A SW Christmas Carol

Part One December 24th, 1998

Chapter One: 6:00 PM

It was a cold night in California. The sun had set and left a feeling of bittersweet sadness in the air. This should be a time of happiness, a time of peace for both mind and body, yet it is not. A lone figure walks through the lots of Fox studios in Hollywood. This figure is a man, about 55, with his flannel coat clutched tightly around his body, attempting to hold out the biting cold wind. He is George Lucas, creator of Star Wars. He approaches the office of Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch is almost never at the studios but this is a special occasion. Lucas himself has asked for his presence. He walks up the steps, knocks on the door and is ushered into Murdoch’s office. Murdoch greets him cordially and happily.

“Hello George, how are you mate?”

Lucas gives Murdoch a sour look and dismisses the greeting.

“Bah.”

“Well, then... ha... um, what can I do for you?

“I was wondering why you are totally ignoring my orders about the marketing of Episode One.”

Murdoch sighs nervously and stares at Lucas and speaks.

“I have no idea what you are talking about George.”

“Oh, I think that you do. I have received reports from my clerks that not only have you leaked the report that there will be a new trailer in theaters by march, but you are giving away STAP Battle droid toys and Mace Windu Figures out to poor children by the thousands!!”

“Now come on George, The trailer news is nothing, but the toys? It’s Christmas for godsakes! It’s a bloody good thing to give toys out to needy children. They aren’t as fortunate as us.”

“Is that my fault? Is that my problem? No. If you are feeling such generosity you should be giving out some action figures for some other movie? Why are you wasting my money?”

“I’m sorry George, I’ll give out no more toys.”

Lucas throws a stack of papers on Murdoch’s desk into the air in a fit of absolute rage.

“NO! DAMN YOU. THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”

He settles down and speaks in a slow deliberate tone.

“You will track down all the toys handed out and demand payment for them. 12.95 for the STAP’s and 3 dollars and 6 proof of purchase for Mace Windu. If they cannot pay, then take them away from them!!!”

“George...”

“DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THE FILMS TO DREAMWORKS?!!!”

Murdoch looks down to the ground, a defeated look settles on his face. He sits down in his chair and stares at his papers.

“All right George, I’ll get the toys back.”

“That’s better.”

Lucas walks out of the office slamming the door behind him. Murdoch sits at his desk for an hour and begins to sob slowly. Contemplating how he got into this mess with Lucas in the first place.

Chapter Two: 8:00 PM

The moon hangs low over the horizon of the grassy land surrounding Skywalker Ranch. It is almost 8:00 PM and the staff at ILM is working late. Rick McCallum, editing and reading notes about the release of Episode One, is shivering in the cold of the offices. He gets up off his stool and throws a piece of firewood into the furnace. He goes back to his works and labors on and on, wondering when Lucas will let him go home, it is Christmas Eve after all, thinks Rick. The door sways open and Lucas walks in. Rick sees Lucas and stands up immediately, a smile on his face.

“Hello George, Happy Holidays!”

Lucas glares at McCallum.

“Holidays? Humbug!”

“Oh no Mr. Lucas! This is a great time! People are singing, children are laughing, Santa is coming soon, chestnuts are roas...”

“Please McCallum, you’re making me sick.”

“Sorry sir”

McCallum returns to his work while Lucas goes to his desk and goes over the books. After a little while, Lucas gasps and looks up at McCallum.

“What is this McCallum?”

“What’s that sir?”

“I look at the records and notice that there is a large sum of money set aside for Jake Lloyd.”

“Yes sir.”

“Can you explain this?”

“Well sir, I thought that it would be nice if we paid him.”

“PAY HIM! PAY HIM! Why on Earth would I pay him!”

McCallum sits up and is noticeably shaken

“Well, sir, he did act in Episode One”

“He should be paid for that! He should consider himself lucky that he was allowed to appear in Star Wars! McGregor didn’t get paid. Why should Lloyd!?”

“Actually sir, I paid him too, and Portman.”

“WHAT!?”

Lucas throws over his desk and runs up to McCallum. With horror in his eyes, Rick falls off his stool and looks up at the looming figure of Lucas.

“Did I give you permission to pay them? No. I didn’t. If you ever disobey me again I will see to it that you are fired from Lucasfilm and never work on this planet again!”

“It won’t happen again sir.”

“See that it doesn’t! Get out here! You will only be getting half pay for this week and the money for that you gave to those three idiots will come out of your pay!”

“Yes sir”

“OUT!”

McCallum grabs his coat and walks towards the door. Lucas sets his desk right side up and goes back to work.

“Next you’ll be telling me that you paid Kenny Baker.”

McCallum lets out a gulp and looks at Lucas with a horrified look on his face. Lucas notices the look and the veins on his neck pop out. McCallum speaks once more as he runs out the door.

“I paid Anthony Daniels too”

“WHAT!!!!??”

Chapter Three: 11:00 PM

The long night of Christmas Eve lingers on and on and soon 11:00 arrives. Lucas has arrived at his large Victorian mansion. His children are away for the night- working on the computer-effects for the new movie.. As he approaches his front door he does a double-take as he gazes at his knocker. For a moment it seemed as if the face of the lion on the doorknocker was a human face. Lucas stares at the figure for a while and dismisses it with a sigh.

“Humbug.”

He walks in into his house and locks the door behind him. He throws his coat onto the hangar and walks up his creaky old stairway. He looks at the many pictures on his walls as he ascends the stairwell. The past. A very disturbing thing for those that wish to escape it. Lucas is no different. He continues up the stairs and finally reaches the door to his bedchamber.

He walks in and lights a candle, lights waste electricity and money. He changes into his flannel pajamas and sits in his chair. He begins to read the latest chapter in a book by someone named Walsh when a rap comes from the stairs. He cautiously walks to the door and peers outside. Nothing is there, or rather, nothing that can be seen. He decides the cause of the sound is the old stairway and goes back to his chair. Another raps echoes through the room. This time from right outside the door. He asks the walls.

“Who’s there?”

The rapping gets louder and constant and is accompanied by a long sad painridden moan.

“Who is it! A fan? Who! Dammit leave me alone! I have a gun! He reaches for his gun but instead finds a prop of a blaster.

“Damn!”

He searches the room for another weapon. He finds a lightsaber from the movies and holds it up.

“I have a sword too!”

Then the door explodes and wood splinters into all corners of the room. A vaporous figure floats into the room covered in chains and looks upon Lucas.

“Hello George.”

Lucas stares at the phantom in his room with utter shock and disbelief.

“Gary Kurtz?!”

“Yes George, it’s me.”

“Are you dead?”

“That’s not important. I am here to bring you a message of dire warning my friend.”

“Did you like Return of the Jedi? I know that you weren’t involved in it but...”

“Silence!! I am here to warn you of your evil ways George! You are to be doomed to an eternity of being bound in chains for your wickedness!”

George stares up at Kurtz and laughs.

“Evil Ways? Chains?! HAHAHA!! Are you joking? What have I done?”

“You have been mean spirited!”

“yeah so?”

“You have not been generous!”

“Again, so?!”

“You didn’t want to release the trailer for free, you tried to get theaters to pay 10,000 per copy.”

“Oh there is that, but it never went through....”

“You take your baths in a tub full of gold and jewels!”

“Well....”

“You paid Carrie Fisher to..”

“OK, I get the point. What will I do Gary! How can I save my soul!”

“You must repent for your sins George.”

“OK, that’s easy. I repent.”

“No! you have to mean it.”

“I repent and I really mean it.”

“I thought that this would happen. Luckily we have a backup plan. You will be visited by three ghosts! They will come at 12:00, 1:00 and 2:00!!”

“Oh tomorrow at noon and one and three is bad for me, can we reschedule?”

“Not tomorrow! Tonight!”

“Two in the morning?! That’s a little much don’t you think?”

“It is the last chance to save your soul George, I think that you can pull an allnighter.”

“OK, I guess I can get some coffee, where is Piett....”

“Remember George at Midnight.... Midnight.... Midnight.....”

Kurtz disappears into the void which he came from and Lucas rubs his eyes. When he looks up the room is exactly as it was, no broken door, nothing out of place.

“Oh, man, is this the LSD I did in College?”

Lucas climbs into bed and falls asleep, wondering what the next hour will bring.

Part Two: December 25th, 1998

Chapter One: 12:00 AM

The full moon hung in the night sky like a giant flashlight, sending comforting waves of luminosity out to all of the residents of Northern California, that is all except George Lucas. The multi-Billionaire lies quietly in his bed. Sound asleep but troubled by nightmares. The episode at 11 has left him shaken. Suddenly, a small light appears in his room. His eyes flutter open to see the amazing site as the small light grows larger and larger until it flashes brilliantly. Then the light subsides and in it’s place is a small figure. Lucas stares at the little person with nothing but shock in his mind

“Yoda!”

“Yes, Yoda I am. Ghost of Christmas past also am I.”

“Wow, I never knew...”

Yoda laughs as Lucas continues to look at the little Jedi Master (Old Cute version) in awe.

“Much there is that you do not know. Teach you I will that which you will need for the next ghost.”

“Lead on Yoda”

Lucas grabs Yoda’s cane and they begin to fly over the horizon towards a brilliant light ahead.

“What is that Yoda?”

“The pathway it is, to the past.”

“The past...WHOAAAAAHHHHH!”

Lucas screams as he is pulled into the glowing vortex. A myriad of light and phosphorescence glow all around him. Then suddenly, it all ends and the two travelers find themselves in a house in California. It is the Lucas household. George gazes around the room and remembers the past.

“This is my old home!”

“Yes, look, there you are. Little boy were you.”

“Yes, there is my mother and my father!”

The Lucas Home is small but comfortable. Mom and dad are sitting on the family couch. George is sitting on the floor about to open a present.

“Go ahead honey, open your gift!” Says George’s mother.

George opens his present only to notice that it is a book called “how to be a businessman”

“Dad, I wanted a movie camera!

“I’ll hear none of that you little shit!” says Mr. Lucas. “You are gonna follow in my footsteps and be a businessman.

“NO! I wanna be a movie-maker!”

Dad stands up and punches George in the mouth. “What do you wanna be?”

“A Filmmaker!”

Again he is hit. Suddenly, George picks up his father and holds him above his head and utters...

“I.... have.... had...enough of....you!” and then he throws him into the wall.

Little Leonard Nimoy is visiting his California relatives.

“Wow, that was a good line! I’ll have to use it one day in a script....

“Ok son. You can be a filmmaker”

Lil’ George hops up and down in joyous revelry.

“Yippee”

Yoda looks and George and notices that he is crying.

“What matter is this Lucas, Hmmm?”

“I was just thinking of how wonderful my childhood was.”

A pissed Yoda sissy slaps Lucas in the face and they continue on their way to another point in George’s Life- his teens.

“Hey! It’s me as a teenager, I’m driving my car, I loved driving my... HOLY SHIT!!!”

Young George crashes his car and the vehicle begins to roll. Suddenly another portal opens in the sky and two figures emerge. They are Admiral Piett and Herve Villechaize!

“Where are we now Herve?”

“I have no idea, whoa look! It’s Master Lucas and he is about to be killed!”

“Quick, get Mike Ponte in here”

Mike Ponte appears and is thrown in front of the car. Just as it hits, and kills Ponte, Lucas is thrown from the car and lands nearby. Ponte is crushed into little pieces.

“Piett, why did you shove Ponte in there? It had no effect on saving Lucas!”

“Seemed a nice idea”

“True, how very true”

The duo re-enter the portal and leave the scene. Lucas just gazes at the sight before him.

“That was...uh...well....brutal.”

“Sympathize do I Lucas, on go we to the next stage, after Star Wars, with Linda Rondstat!”

They disappear and then re-appear in the streets of California. Lucas and Linda are breaking up.

“Hey! What about our love affair?!”

“Really want do you to see your minuscule pri...”

“Hold it right there Yoda! No need to talk about that. Just let the scene progress.”

Linda punches out George and begins to hump a monkey who is also walking down the street.

“Uh, Yoda, what the fuck is that?!”

“Monkey did she screw when back of you was turned.”

“Can I go home now, this is scaring me.”

“Very Well”

They Disappear as Lucas discovers himself alone in his room.

“That was interesting, wonder who else the little slut fucked”

“Oh, Jar Jar, do it again!”

“Mesa coming! Mesa Coming!!!”

Chapter Two 1:00 AM

Lucas has fallen asleep. He is dreaming of the Billions that he will have come next May. Suddenly, from outside comes the sound of laughter and eating. He gets up from his bed and heads over to the window. Outside is Jabba the Hutt! He is surrounded by food. Jabba speaks<in translated Huteese>

“Ho, Ho, Ho Lucas”

“Jabba?!”

“I am the ghost of Christmas present!”

“Presents? for me?”

“No! present as in right now, time, the PRESENT!!!”

“Oh, so I am not getting anything”

“No”

“Damn”

“Come with me to Rick McCallums house!”

They fly to his house and see Rick drinking beer and having lots of sex while eating steak!

“What the fuck is this!” Says Jabba.

“I’d say the same thing Hutt!”

“Uh, Let’s get out of here”

They leave just as the girl shits in McCallum's...

<Fine>

~~~~~~~~

Jabba deposits Lucas in the home of A Star Wars fan.

“Look at the sadness in his face over paying 10.00 for one of your Star Wars toys!”

The fan is jumping up and down and is holding a Luke and Leia figure in each hand.

“Whoo-hoo! New Toys! Only 10.00 too! I love George Lucas.”

“Oh, so this is what sadness is”

“Shut up Lucas. I give up! I’m taking you home”

Lucas is once again deposited home and goes back to sleep.

“Wow, that was short.”

"Screw You Lucas" says Jabba as he leaves.

Chapter Three: 2:00 AM

Lucas awakens to see a hideous face above him, the dark shadows under the eyes, the crinkly skin, the yellow, yet bloodshot eyes. It can be only one person.

“Carrie Fisher? Are you The Ghost of Christmas future?”

“Ghost? I’m here for sex!”

“Uh, maybe 20 years ago, but not now. Go screw Jar Jar, he should be home.”

“Ok.”

She leaves and bumps into Darth Maul who is entering his room.

“Yo Ray.”

“I am Darth Maul, the Ghost of Christmas Future!”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s OK, prepare to see your future Lucas!”

XMAS: 1999-Tons of money

XMAS: 2000-Tons of money

XMAS 2001-tons of money and godhood

XMAS 2002-More Money and sex with any woman he wishes.

XMAS 2045- He dies while screwing a playboy bunny.

“Is this supposed to be a bad life?!”

“Um, well.”

Lucas grabs a stick and hits Maul over the head.

“Do you wanna do stunt work on Episode II?”

“Yes Master”

“Then let’s drop all of this goofy Moral shit and make some money!”

Lando Calrissian walks by.

“What about me boss?”

Lucas nods to Maul and The Dark Lord cuts his face of with his saber.

Lucas walks away with Maul.

“Maul, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship”

Meanwhile, at Jar, Jar’s house

“Oh, Mesa love fucking!”

“Oh Carrie, isn’t this great?!”

“Yeah Linda! We’re both old and fat and we can still get screwed by a big dick!”

“Who would’ve thought that Gungans had 25 inch wangs!”

<PONTE!>

ok,

Merry Christmas everyone.

~Fin~