Dark Horse Presents: Why Can't We Just Put out a Good Star Wars Series?

by Sean Walsh

[In the main offices of Dark Horse in...wherever the hell they are, Star Wars group editor Peet Janes and Dark Horse head honcho Mike Richardson sit in a small conference room, discussing the business of comic books...]

Peet Janes: Well the main Star Wars book is finally getting back on track.

Mike Richardson: Yes. Write a thank you card to the guy we had kill the schmuck who wrote that first storyline anyway. What was his name again...? [takes a sip of his drink]

Janes: Jan Strnad?

Richardson [spitting his drink back up]: What?! Jan wrote that piece of crap?! Aw man! I liked that guy! Send a card to his family, saying we're sorry for killing him.

[Pause]

Richardson: No wait, wrong kind of card. Just send a plain old sympathy card, with no mention of us killing him.

Janes: Done and done.

Richardson: Okay, what else we got?

Janes: Well the sales are stagnant at the moment. It seems the days of Dark Empire are long gone.

Richardson: But we can still revive them, right?

Janes: I dunno. Phantom Menace proved we can do it a little, but it won't last.

Richardson: Then we need to refocus our thinking here, Peet. Effective immediately, all non-Star Wars books publsihed by Dark Horse Comics are cancelled.

Janes: WHAT?!?!?!?!

Richardson: Send a memo to all our editors. Tell them to start developing new ideas for new Star Wars titles.

Janes: But...but...think of what you're doing, man! All the licenses we'll be losing! Terminator!

Richardson: Meh. Expendable.

Janes: Tarzan!

Richardson: We'll dress Luke up in a loincloth, if necessary.

Janes: What about those crossovers with DC and other comic companies?!

Richardson: You mean you'd rather see something like Resurrection Man and Usagi Yojimbo instead of a bigger money getter like JLA and Star Wars?

Janes [reflective]: Well now actually that would be really damn cool. [back to outraged mode] But still! Think of what we'd be losing!! And what about Buffy?!

Richardson: Who?

Janes: Buffy! Buffy the Vampire Slayer!!

Richardson: Well...now there's a problem with this plan of mine...

Janes: Thank you!

Richardson: ...which can easily be solved when he have her travel into space and encounter the Star Wars universe!!

Janes: He's a madman! A fucking madman!!!

Richardson: Think about it: "Buffy the Stormtrooper Slayer!"

Janes: Ugh. How about a Gungan Slayer?

Richardson: Sure!

Janes [perks up]: Really? You'd publish that?

Richardson: Definitely! "Buffy the Gungan Slayer!" Who wouldn't buy that?!

Janes: That's actually a better idea than vampire slayer...vampires. Ha!

Richardson: Let's start thinking of more projects.

Janes: How's about more novel adaptations.

Richardson: What's left to adapt?

Janes: Um...it's either the Lando Calrissian Adventures or...ugh, forget I even mentioned it...

Richarsson: How about another X-Wing series?

Janes: Personally, there's so much you can do with a group of characters that always changes whom you can barely identify from issue to issue...

Richardson: True. ***

Janes: Why don't we do an Admiral Piett series?

[Long silent pause.]

Richardson: Who the hell would buy that??

Janes: I dunno. [pause] Somebody would.

[Another silent pause.]

Janes: Never mind I mentioned it.

Richardson: Good. How about another Crimson Empire series?

Janes: Oh for the love of crap, Mike! Crimson Empire?! Which one will this be? The eleventh miniseries?

Richardson: No, this would probably be Crimson Empire: the ongoing series.

Janes: Jesus! No offense, Mike, but Crimson Empire sucks.

Richardson: Excuse me?! I'll have you know I came up with this when I was 10 years old!

Janes: Everyone uses that excuse, Mike.

Richardson: Really? Okay. How's about, "Because I just happen to be the head of Dark Horse Comics too, jackass, so it'll be done cause I want it done."

Janes: For fear of losing my job, I submit to your wishes. What'll the story be about?

Richardson: Peh. Who cares. I'll think of something. Okay, what else?

Janes: How about Luke and Mara get divorced?

Richardson: Are you kidding me? With all the hype we put into their marriage?!

Janes: What hype?

Richardson: [pause] Good point. Okay, we'll split 'em up.

Janes: Have him sleep around with a few people for a while.

Richardson: Or we'll just reveal he married Mara's clone, who blows herself up in a attempt to kill him...

Janes: Oh good God no. The clone shit got tiring years ago. Damn Marvel Comics.

Richardson:

[After several hours of work, the two men finalize the year's plan for their all-Star Wars line of book.]

Janes: Okay. So we've got: the regular Star Wars series, Star Wars Tales, the Star Wars Bounty Hunter books, Dark Empire 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and possibly 9, Buffy the Gungan Slayer, Darth Usagi Yojimbo, Star Wars vs. Aliens vs. Predator, Mara and Luke go to Splitsville, Crimson Empire: the ongoing series, The Endless Deaths of Boba Fett, Star Wars Sex Manga, Star Wars: Comics' Greatest World, and Star Wars/JLA...if those assholes at DC agree to it.

Richardson: Beautiful! Soon, we'll be unstoppable! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!

Janes: O...kay.

[Meanwhile, somewhere in northern California, a mysterious person watches as his drone Mike Richardson completes the total annihilation of anything non-Star Wars at Dark Horse Comics.]

George Lucas: Mwahahahahaha!!!! My conquest of Dark Horse Comics is complete, and soon, the comic industry will be mine...!!! HAHAHAHAHA...wait a minute. Why the hell am I going so nuts over comic books?? Fuck this...

[Lucas walks out of the room to work on Episode 2 and other things that will make him shitloads of money, versus comic books which will make him...some. No offense to the comic book people reading, of course...]

*fin*

*** Note: I *liked* the X-Wing comic series, so don't think this is some personal opinion of mine against it; it's just humor, you bastards!