...Starring Darth Vader as God
Adam: Gah! Our clothes are gone!
Eve: What're clothes?
Adam: The stuff we were wearing just before we ate those apples.
Snake: Yessss...twassss I who made them dissssapear!
Eve: Gah!!
Adam: Dude, stop hissing.
Eve: What's hissing?
Snake: I can't sssssstop it, dammit! It'ssssss what ssssssnakessssss do!
Eve: What's a snake?
Adam and the Snake: SHUT UP!
Eve: Geesh. I'm just trying to show the reader that we were, like, just created, and that half the crap you guys are saying is stuff that we shouldn't even know about...!
Adam: Oh. Sorry, Eve.
Snake: Sssssorry.
Adam: Cut it out!
Snake: Ssssscrew you!
[Just then, a deep and almost inhuman breathing sound fills the air, followed by majestic orchestral music.]
Adam: Oh geez, it's Him! Quick, hide!
[Adam grabs the nekked Eve and they jump behind some shrubbery.]
"God": Adam! Eve! What is going on...
["God" sees them behind the bushes.]
"God": Oh come on! You've been alive for...what, a few days? And *already* you're...wait a minute, why *are* you nekked?
Adam: Huh? Oh...um...ah...she made me do it.
Eve: What?!?!
Adam: Yeah. Your greatness's craftwork was too much for me to bear. I had to celebrate her magnificent beauty with her.
Eve [flattered]: Oh...okay...
"God": [to self] Note to self: make it a bad thing for them to lie...especially to me. [to Eve] Eve...you're the woman. You're supposed to be the smart and sensible one of the duo.
Eve: Really? Cool. [clears her throat, then acts outraged] Oh please! It was the... [she points to the snake]...thingie over there.
"God:" You!
Snake: Yessssss...me. We meet again at lasssssst. The cccccircle is now cmplete. When I left you, I wassssss but the learner; now *I* am the massssster.
"God": Only a master of evil...wait a minute. We're doing this backwards.
Snake: Yessssss...but who caressssss, sssssince I'm going to win anyway.
"God": Ha! Yeah right.
[Suddenly a large red beam of light emerges from the heavens, and with a mighty "wwhhrr," begins to swing towards the Earth, slicing in half all in its way. The snake screams, and is lopped in two. Adam and Eve stand silent and stunned, as the giant red beam disappears. A giant foot emerges from the heavens, kicking the snake's corpse; it then returns to the clouds.]
Adam: That...doesn't seem right.
Eve: Yeah. Seems like something else should've happened.
"God": And no funny business between you two!
Adam: Why not?
"God": Well I mean...come on...she was created from a part of you I took out.
Eve: Ugh!
"God": Which practically makes you brother and sister. And we don't need that kind of sickness. So there.
Adam: But how are we supposed to procreate?
Eve: Wha?
Adam: Continue life and create more people ourselves...
"God": Hmmm...good point. [pause] Oh alright...fine. Make out and make babies. Like you wouldn't have without my say-so.
Adam: Damn straight, Lord.
"God": Why do I have this bad feeling that you people are going to end up being a big pain in my ass?
=======================
"God": Moses!
Moses: YEARGH!!!
"God": What was that?!
Moses: Oh. I said...YYYEEESS, Lord?
"God": Right... Moses! I have called you up here for one very important reason!
Moses: Oh course, my Lord! I shall obey and spread your word to your people!
"God": Tell my people...
Moses: Yes...?!
"God": ...to turn to the Dark Side...!
[Long pause]
Moses: The Dark Side?
"God": Yes! The Dark Side!
Moses: Huh. I though for sure you were going to give me some stone tablets or something.
"God": Well yes, I'm going to give you those...but that's the most important thing I had to tell you.
Moses: But Lord...what *is* the Dark Side?
"God": Who am I, some kinda problem-solver? I'm God! I'm supposed to be mysterious, and all I do is shrouded by that mysteriousness. Figure it out for yourself!
Moses: But what if I can't?
"God": Then pass the mysteries of my being to your descendants. Then they can spread it to everyone all over the world...and soon everyone will believe it me!
Moses: But Lord...even as we speak, your people at the foot of the mountain are worshiping a golden cow!
"God": Then I shall make cows the dumbest creatures in existance. They'll eat grass, make milk, and stink up everything within a 3 mile radius with their foul bodily odors. *Then* let's see the people worship *any* sort of cows...!
Moses: Good decision, Lord.
"God": Thanks.
=======================
"God": ...and *that* is how you raise the dead.
Jesus: Wow...I never knew it was *that* easy.
"God": And always remember: never reveal your secrets. No matter how much someone might pay you to dishonor your mission. Dishonoring that is dishonoring me. And you know what happens when people do that.
Jesus: Oh yeah...I've seen. The whole magical choking of the throat thing. Very cool.
"God": Isn't it? Now...I have something very important to tell you.
Jesus: I'm all ears, big guy.
"God": Okay. Jesus...[pause]...Joseph is not your father.
[Pause]
Jesus: Okay...Joseph's not my father.
"God": No...*I* am your father.
[Dramatic pause.]
Jesus: Well duh!!!
"God": What?
Jesus: Like I didn't know that already!
"God": You mean...you're not surprised?
Jesus: Heck no, dad! I've known all along!
"God": Really...huh, this ruins everything.
Jesus: How's that now?
"God": Well my revelation to you that I am your father was to destroy the spirit and force you over to the Dark Side.
Jesus: What the crap are you talking about, dad?
"God": Now I have to speed up the schedule...armgeddon is in ten minutes!
Jesus: WHAT?!?! But that's supposed to take place when I return...!
"God": Wha?
Jesus: I'm supposed to die for the sins of mankind! To allow their souls to enter the gates of your heavenly kingdom!
"God": Really? This is news to me.
Jesus: That's been my whole mission here, dad! How could this all suddenly be news to you?! Aren't you all-knowing, pops?
"God": Cut it out, son.
Jesus: Oh, and about that whole son thing. You mind helping me out...[points to the surrounding area]...and tell *them* that! For some reason, they just don't get it.
"God": Ugh...that's what happens when you don't realize the full potential of the Force, like we do...[sighs] Okay, if you think it'll work. [very loudly] Hey you!! Jesus is my Son. He is not bullshitting you. Believe him or else...!
[From far below...]
Voice 1: GAH!!! The sky is talking to us!!
Voice 2: Run away! Run away!
[People in giant masses start runniong around. Pretty soon, fires start burning, and people are looting storefronts, their arms full of giant vases and carpets.]
"God": Oh good grief. Bunch of pagan shitheads. Are you *sure* I can't just end the world.
Jesus: Don't worry...I don't think they'll *all* be that stupid and ignorant...not for long, anyway...
;P