by Sean Walsh
[Opening theme: cut to audience full of aliens, Imperial and Rebel officers, and other various people, cheering loudly.]
Jerry Springer: Thank you, thank you.
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry: Thank you! Hello and welcome. Tonight's guests all have sick and disgusting sexual habits and practices, and that only means one thing: more ratings for me! [cheers from the audience] Thanks! Let's first meet Darth.
[Darth Vader waves, sitting on a chair on the stage.]
Darth: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Darth is a concerned father, with two twin children, Luke and Leia. Darth, what's the condition between you and your children?
Darth: I haven't spoken to Leia in almost 4 years, and Luke in about 6 months.
Jerry: Now what caused this rift?
Darth: Well, they're both part of the New Republic, so that's part of it. I cut the boy's hand off a few years back, and I. . .um, performed a. . .questionable interrogation on my daughter.
Jerry: Aha.
Audience: Oooooo....
Tarkin: Damn straight!
Jerry: Well, let's not wait. Let's welcome Luke and Leia.
[Audience cheers as Luke and Leia walk out together.]
Luke: Hello Jerry.
Leia: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Uh, hello.
Luke [a bit reluctant]: Hi dad.
Darth: Hey Luke. Leia?
Leia [arms crossed, not happy]: I'm not talkin' to that piece of sh*t.
Audience: Oooo...!!
Mon Mothma: That's right girl!
Klaatu: Boo-yah!
Darth: That was years ago!
Leia: Hey, shut the f*ck up! You weren't on the receiving end, you f*ck!
Audience: Oohh!!
Jerry: Okay now. . .[starts walking to the back of the audience]. . .we're not here to yell and swear [some audience members mumble their disapproval]. But actually you and Luke have something to tell your father now.
Leia: Yeah.
Luke: Yeah dad
. Darth: What's this?
Luke: There's something I need to tell you about the two of us.
Darth: Huh?
Luke: Leia and I. . . well, let's just say we've been closer than just brother and sister as of late.
[Audience goes nuts. Jerry covers his face, grinning.]
Greedo: Aw yeah!
Derlin: You the man, Luke!
Muftak: Woohoo!
Darth: What. . .what are you trying to say?
Luke: Dad. . .I'm butt-blasting her.
Darth: Huh?
Luke: I'm greasin' her up.
Darth: Come again?
Luke: We're doin' the nasty!
[Darth just shrugs his shoulders.]
Luke: I'M F*CKING MY SISTER LEIA!!!!
[Audience cheers wildly. Darth is silent for a moment, then responds.]
Darth: Son of a bitch!
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Darth: What the f*ck is wrong with you?!
Luke: Look at her, dad! She's hot!
[Audience cheers.]
Piett: Aw hell yeah!
Gallandro: That's right!
Darth: But she's your sister!!
Jerry: He's got a point.
Luke: Come on! Look at that ass! That rack! [audience, especially the men, cheers loudly, as Leia stands up and starts posing.] You'd do her, dad. Hell, you already did.
Audience: OOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[Darth snaps and runs at Luke. The two fight. Leia gets out of her seat again and starts punching Darth in the back. The audience jumps up on its feet cheering the brawl, as Jerry flees to the back of the set. Steve, the security guy, and others break the fight up.]
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
[The cheering starts to die down, with the occassional yelp and hoot.]
Luke: Prick.
Leia: You touch my man again and I'm whoop your ass.
Darth: Like to see you try, bitch.
[Darth stands up and Leia, with lightning speed, tackles him and knocks him down, punching and slapping his head. The crowd goes wild.]
Kir Kanos: Yeah! Yeah!
Qwi Xux: Get him, girl!
Bossk: Beat his ass! Beat it!
[Steve and security break the two up again. Luke gets up and protects Leia, as Steve holds Darth back.]
Leia: Lemme at him!
Darth: You scank bitch! I don't need this sh*t! [gets up and leaves]
Jerry: Okay. Now, Leia, you've got a lot at stake here. A husband, three children. . .
Leia: Yeah, that's right.
Jerry: Well, let's bring out your husband. Han, come on out.
[Han enters, to audience applause. In a flash, he runs at Luke, who tries to fight him off. Steve and security come out from the back.]
Steve: Aw sh*t, not again.
[He and security break the fight up. Luke and Han take their seats, each on opposite sides of the stage.]
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Han: You bitch. How could you?
Leia: Hey, Luke's just givin' me the lovin' you never could.
Audience: Oooo...!!
[Han goes to get up, but controls himself and sits back down.]
Steve: Oh good, he's learned self-control.
Han: Well, what about Jacen? And Jaina? And Anakin?
Leia: They're smart kids. They'll see it all makes sense.
Audience: Oooooo....
2-1B: Whore!
Ishi Tib: Hoe!
Jerry: Okay, we've got to take a break. We'll be right back.
[The crowd gets up on their feet and applauds and cheers. Luke and Leia hold hands, while Han growls to himself.]
Coming up next: Han's got a surprise too!
Han: We've been lovers for over a year now, and. . .
Luke: Oh you better not have. . .
Han: Hey farmboy. It ain't my fault you've been f*cking the piece of crap over there.
[Luke charges Han. The crowd goes wild as security breaks it up.]
--
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--
[Cut from commercial back to the cheering audience. Darth is back on stage, seated away from his kids.]
Jerry: Okay, thank you. [crowd dies down] We've been talking today with Luke and Leia, who broke the news to their father Darth that they are lovers,
R2-D2: <whistle>
Talon Karrde: Aw yeah!
Garindan: Woo!
Jerry: We're also talking to Han, Leia's disgruntled husband, who is also none too happy about this turn of events.
Han: You're damn right, Jerry.
Jerry: Now Han. . .you've got something to say to Leia too, right?
Han: Yeah, I got something to say to this stank hoe bitch.
Audience: OOHH!
Bib Fortuna: F*cking 'a, man
Wuher: Yeah!
Leia: Yeah, what's that?
Han: Well. You two ain't the only ones who've been gettin' it on.
Audience: Oooooo....
Luke: What the f*ck does that mean?
Han: That means, incest boy, that I got my own playtoy too.
Ozzel: Uh-oh!
Lobot: Aw right!
Jerry: Well, let's bring this person out right now.
[The crowd cheers. . .then goes ballistic, as out walks C3P0, who's making all sorts of hand gestures; from waves to the audience to flipping Luke and Leia off and pointing at his crotch. He walks over to Han, who kisses him.]
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Leia: You mother-f*cker!
Han: Droid-f*cker is more like it, bitch.
Leia: What the f*ck is wrong with you, now?
C3P0: Shut your ass up, bitch. You just jealous that my goldenrod's givin' him what he wants!
Audience: OOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Luke: You piece of sh*t!
[Luke gets up and goes to attack 3P0, but is stopped by Steve and security.]
Jerry: Okay, please? [things calm down] Now Han, how long have you and 3P0 been together?
Han: We've been lovers for over a year now, and. . .
Luke: Oh you better not have. . .
Han: Hey farmboy. It ain't my fault you've been f*cking the piece of crap over there.
[Luke charges Han. The crowd goes wild as security breaks it up.]
Jerry: And how would you describe your relationship?
Han: Very close. [holds 3P0's hand]
C3P0: Very intimate.
Leia: I can't believe I'm even hearing this sh*t.
Jerry: Now 3P0...you've got something to tell Han. . .?
C3P0: Yes I do, Jerry. [to Han, holding his hand] Han. I love you with all my heart, and I want us to be together forever.
Audience: Awww. . . .
Luke: Aw shut up!
C3P0: But before we do. . .there's something I need to tell you.
Han: What's that?
C3P0: Well. . .I've been seeing someone else besides you.
Audience: Oooo...!!
Needa: Here we go!
Amanaman: Uh-oh, looks like trouble!
[Han lets go of 3P0's hand in disgust.]
Han: What the. . .who is it? [3P0 is silent] Who the f*ck is it?
[3P0 stands up and walks to the other side of the stage. . .right into the embrace of Darth Vader. The crowd shrieks and bursts into wild cheers. Imperial officers sit cheering and laughing, and droids pump their fists in the air.]
Palpatine: Oh this is just great. . .
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Luke: Oh Jesus. . .
Leia:This is too sick.
Han: You. . .f*ck! How could you?!
Darth: Hey, shut your damn mouth, boy! You weren't good enough for Leia.. .
Leia: Yeah!
Darth: And you weren't good enough for 3P0!
8D8: Right on!
Gonk: Take that, bitch!
Han: Hey, you'd better back the f*ck off, bub, or I'll beat your ass dead!
Darth: Well bring it on!
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
[Security holds the two back before anything can happen. Darth taunts Han silently as both are put back in their seats.]
Han [to 3P0] And you? What the hell's up with you?
Jerry: Well, 3P0, why the deception?
Darth: Y'know, Jerry, 3P0's been put through enough to answer stupid questions from that c*cksucker over there.
Audience: OOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Xizor: Suck it!
Han: I'll break your f*ckin' neck!
Darth: Please. . .
Luke: Yeah, got for it!
Darth: Shut up, sister-f*cker!
Jerry: Time for a break. When we come back, questions from the audience.
[The crowd stands and cheers. Darth and Luke yell at one another, Han yells at 3P0, and Leia just sits ignoring what surrounds her.]
--
Tomorrow, on Jerry. . .!
Luke is back for more hell. First from his fiancee. . .ex-fiancee, that is!.
Mara Jade: You know I'm damn finer than that whore-bitch you call a sister!
Leia: F*ck you, bitch!
Mara: And I sure as hell ain't a stinkin' crackhead like her either!
Audience: OOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!
And an old friend from beyond gives Luke some words of advice. . .
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke. . .Luke. . .
Luke: Yes Ben?
Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Luke. . .have them both at once. . .
Mara: You f*ck!
Leia: Screw you, ghostie!
Luke: Right on, Ben!
On the next Jerry Springer show. . .!
--
Is your Hutt slave-lord pimping you to the highest bidder, or do you know someone who is?
If so, please call Jerry at 1-800-UR-SCUMM. . .right now!
--
[Cut from commercial to audience, still cheering and hooting. Jerry is now near the back of the audience, standing next to a small green man.]
Jerry: You have a question for Luke and Leia.
Yoda: I do. Yes I do. [to the twins] Why do you did this?
Luke: Well, we figured if we just tried, that wouldn't be good enough. So we just went ahead and did it.
[Yoda pauses before answering.]
Yoda: Well. . .fine with all this I am.
[Jerry walks over to another audience member.]
Thrawn: Yes, I wanna ask Vader something: how can you be angry at your kids, when you're banging a protocol droid?
[The audience applauds what is actually the smartest thing said yet on the show.]
Darth: Yeah, well. . .
Jerry: He has a good point, Darth.
Darth: Um. . .I, uh. . .oh. . .f*ck you!
[Audience cheers, as Jerry walks to another crowd member.]
Lando: Yeah, I just wanted to say to Luke. . .hell yeah! You are the man!
[People start laughing and clapping.]
Luke: Right on, dude! He knows the truth!
Leia: Yeah! Maybe later the three of us can get it on!
Lando: Yeah!!
Luke: W-what?
Leia: Come on, Luke. It'd be fun!
Luke: But. . .I want you all for myself. What fun would it be having two twins in a threesome?
Jerry: Actually, that's next Friday's topic, if you want to come back. ..
Lando: Come on, man! Share the wealth!
Luke: Hey screw you! And the same for that piece of crap next to you!
Lando: Hey, you want a piece of me? Let's go!
[Lando rushs the stage and tackles Luke. The crowd goes nuts as Steve and security move into action.]
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry: Forget it, Steve. Let 'em go.
Steve: Wha-?
Jerry: Think of the ratings, man!
Steve: Hey f*ck the ratings, Jerry! You're not a sellout!
Jerry [ignoring Steve]: Ha ha! This'll keep me ahead of Orpah for months. And think of the press: "Chaos erupts on Springer Show, to the delight of the audience and the host!"
Steve: Screw this, Jerry. I'm outta here. Time to put you in your place.
[Steve leaves the set, as Luke and Lando pummel each other. The other guests start fighting, as the remaining security is easily overcome and beaten. In the crowd, a pump-up Rebel officer accidentally hits IG-88 in the back of the head, causing the assassin droid to turn around and crack him across the face. Soon, chaos erupts in the crowd: Ackbar beats Mon Mothma bloody; Piett drops Ozzel with a boot to the groin; Chewbacca picks two Ewoks up and tosses them at security men and producers trying to escape the set. All the while, Jerry has made his way to the "Final Thought" location.]
Jerry: And now for my final thoughts. . .[He is interrupted as a bloodied Prune Face staggers in front of him. He grabs the alien and head-butts him, who falls of camera. Jerry continues.]. . .you'll notice today's show really had no point. I offered no helpful or whimsical words of advice. The reason for that. . .[He leans forward and ducks as Yoda flies from one side of the camera shot to the other]. . .in the age of TV violence today, I am king. F*ck Howard Stern, I'm the kind of all media! Hell, f*ck James Cameron, I'm the king of the world! Soon all will be under my control, and there will be nothing to stop me! NOTHING!!
Voice off-screen: What the hell is going on here?!?!
[All the chaos stops, and Jerry freezes in plaze, as George Lucas enters the set, with Steve in tow.]
Jerry: Oh no. . .
Darth: Master!
[All the Star Wars people bow in homage. Lucas walks ferociously over his minions directly to Jerry.]
Lucas: This has gone on long enough!
Jerry: George Lucas?! What're you doing here?
Steve: I went and got him, Jerry.
Jerry: Steve? How could you?
Steve: Someone had to put you in your place, Jerry. And I figured he was the guy to do it!
Jerry: No, I meant how could you have possibly gone and gotten George Lucas all the way in California, when we're in Chicago. It's physically impossible.
Lucas: Nothing is impossible for Lucas to acheive!
Jerry: You're fired, Steve.
Lucas: Too late! He works for me now. Steve, escort them all back to the buses and get my limo ready.
Steve: Yes, my master.
[Steve turns and directs everyone to the exit.]
Lucas: I can't believe you'd stoop to this, Springer. Having my creations tell fake sexual stories, all for the sake of ratings? That makes the Holiday Special look tame in comparison. Well, there's only one thing to do with you. . .
[He grabs Jerry's throat.]
Jerry: But wait. . .this is only. . .fiction. I'm not the one. . .to blame. . .the writer is. . .
[Why you son of a. . .]
Lucas: That is of no concern! He writes occassionally good stuff. . .[Hey!]. . .and he's currently working on another "Star Wars beats the crap out of Titanic" story. . .right? [Huh? Oh, yes my master. . .]
Good. And now. . .
[Lucas twists Jerry Springer's and, as Jerry gets one last good look at the world as he knows it, his vocal cords are ripped out. Jerry crumples to the ground, dead.]
Lucas: And that concludes the Jerry Springer Show. . .for good. Good night everybody!
[The image flickers out.]
*********
[On the set of her show, Oprah Winfrey is laughing, having just finished watching the prior events on her videowall during a commercial break. She turns around as the crowd applauds and the cameras point on her.]
Oprah: Hey, welcome back! We're here with stars from Star Wars. I think we have a question from the audience.
[A young man stands up.]
Guy: Yes, this is for Mr. Jones
James Earl Jones: Sure, go ahead.
Guy: Could you say, "Luke I am your father," please?
JEJ [groans]: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
Guy: No, it's "Luke I am your father."
[JEJ says nothing, but just gets up, gives the kid the middle finger, and walks off the stage.]
Oprah: Um. . .okay.
Guy: Hey Luke!
Luk...Mark Hamill: Huh?
Guy: How's about you say it?
Mark: For chrissakes, I'm not Luke! I'm Mark Hamill! Won't you ever remember that?!
Another guy: No!
Mark: F*ck!
Guy: Come on, say it!
Mark: No! This is Saturday Night Live all over again! [pause] I'll do some Joker, or Hobgoblin. . .but not a line I didn't even say!
Oprah: Oh, just say it.
Mark [fighting off tears]: "Luke I am your father."
[The crowd cheers, as Mark Hamill, crying, runs off the stage.]
Oprah: Okay, let's move on. Anthony Daniels?
Anthony Daniels: Hi-ho, campers!
Oprah [to herself]: I'm going to regret this. . .[to Anthony]. . .what have you been up to lately?
Anthony: Well, it's funny you asked that. Actually it's peculiar. I like peculiar more than funny, but that doesn't mean I don't like funny. I just like it more because it's weirder to spell. P.S, if an Ewok died i but that doesn't mean I don't like funny. I just like it more because it's weirder to spell. P.S, if an Ewok died in the woods, would Kenny Baker hear it? P.P.S. I like to walk, or josh as I say, down the hoo-ha cheerio street looking at people, don't you? P.S.P.S. When I say 'people,' I really mean cars. P.p.S.S.s. When I say 'cars,' I really mean ladies of the
Oprah: Oh dear God, I knew I'd regret that.
Peter Mayhew [with his thick English accent]: Um, Miss Winfrey?
Oprah: Yes! Peter Mayhew?
Peter: I'd just like to say. . .
Anthony: Oh for God's sake, C3P0 is all I've ever been! Someone please end my misery now!!
Oprah: Yes, Mr. Mayhew.
Peter: I'd like to say. . .
[He grabs Daniels around the neck and squeezes]
Anthony: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Peter: I'm big.
Oprah: Oh dear God again. That's it. Show's over. Turn it off. . .
[The image flickers off.]
*end*